


Don't Touch the Hair

by AbaddonProud



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bilbo has no idea what's going on, Established Relationship, Hair Braiding, Jealous!Kili, M/M, Sibling Incest, The Almighty Johnsons reference, Thorin has had enough, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 07:18:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2301176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbaddonProud/pseuds/AbaddonProud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili and Kili get into a fight and the whole company has to suffer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Touch the Hair

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of these characters, just the plot.

* * *

When Kili and Fili got into a fight, which rarely happened, everyone around them suffered. During the quest to reclaim Erebor, they only had one major fight, which stuck in everyone's memory.

It all started when Bilbo innocently offered to braid Fili's hair, since the dwarf was having so much trouble getting the plaits to be straight. Normally, Kili would do it, but the youngest dwarf was off hunting supper for the company, and Fili's hair needed attention. Fili had graciously accepted, not thinking Kili would mind too much.  _Boy,_ how he was wrong.

Kili came whistling into camp with a few rabbits over his shoulder. "Here, Bombur!" He chirped, but stopped mid sentence when he saw Bilbo plaiting his brother and lover's hair. The company immediately noticed the younger brother's mood darken instantly. They quietly shuffled away from him.

Kili stormed up to Fili. "What do you think you're doing?" He asked pointedly.

"Bilbo offered to braid my hair, and since you were gone, I thought it would be okay." Fili answered simply.

"Fili, could you please come here a moment?" Kili glared at his brother.

The older dwarf nodded and turned towards Bilbo. "Terribly sorry about this, Master Baggins."

The hobbit nodded and quickly tied the braids at the ends. Fili stood and followed his brother away from the camp.

The rest of the company looked around at each other uneasily. They knew that when the two brothers fought, they would all pay. They began to shift uncomfortably as they heard shouts of anger. Moments later, Kili stormed back into the camp and sat down on a log by the fire.

Bofur moved to go sit beside Kili to try and comfort him, but was stopped by Thorin. "I would not advise that." He whispered.

Bombur quickly finished cooking the rabbits and began to serve the food. Only then did Fili appear. He quietly took his portion and sat down as far away from Kili as he could.

The company ate in complete silence, not sure whether to risk starting up a conversation. When Kili finished his meal, he placed the bowl near the fire, grabbed his bow and stalked off into the woods.

"Where is he going?" Bilbo asked.

Ori scooted closer to the hobbit and whispered, "Whenever Kili gets in a fight with anyone, he goes off by himself for the night. No one knows exactly what he does, but he always returns in the morning."

Soon after, Fili finished his meal and stalked off in the opposite direction Kili had gone.

"Where are you going?" Thorin grabbed his nephew's shoulder.

The blonde dwarf shook himself free. "If Kili gets to be by himself, then so do I." He grabbed his two swords and took off into the brush.

Thorin sighed and sat back down by the fire. Bilbo frowned. "Is this all my fault? I was the one who was braiding his hair."

"No, lad, Kili is just gets jealous easily." Balin tried to comfort the hobbit.

The burglar nodded and resigned himself to his bedroll for the rest of the night, the other members of the company falling asleep not that much later.

* * *

Early the next morning, Thorin and Co. were awoken by loud shouting. "Oh, for Mahal's sake." Thorin grumbled as he stood up. "This has gone too far. I'm putting an end to this."

The rest of the company watched with wide eyes as their leader stormed into the forest and emerged moments later dragging his two nephews by the ears. He unceremoniously shoved them both to the ground. "We are going to resolve this here and now. What is the problem?" Thorin bellowed.

Kili glared at his uncle and crossed his arms, refusing to talk. Fili sighed exasperatedly and began to speak. "The  _problem_ is that Kili is jealous that Master Baggins braided my hair. He's being a petulant  _child._ "

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Enough!!!!!" Thorin shouted, making the brothers become instantly silent. "Kili, Bilbo did not mean anything by braiding Fili's hair. Now, I'm going to go hunt something down for breakfast, when I return, this 'problem' between you had best be solved, or you'd wish you be facing Smaug instead of me." Thorin glowered.

The two brothers seemed to shrink under their uncle's glare. They both knew that they had better solve their problem. Fili and Kili watched their uncle stalk off into the forest. Kili refused to look at his brother.

Fili sighed and spoke. "Kili, I'm sorry I let Bilbo braid my hair. You were gone and he offered and I thought you would not mind. I am deeply sorry, my love." The golden dwarf scooted closer to the archer. "I love you."

"Oh,  _kidhuzel!_ " Kili sobbed, throwing his arms around his brother. "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have been so mean and unforgiving, please forgive me, for I love you too." [Gold of all golds]

Fili laughed gently, stroking his lover's hair. "Want to have some make-up sex?" He whispered into Kili's ear.

The brunette dwarf looked up. "Yes." He grinned joyfully.

"Good, because I've got a hard-on for you like you wouldn't believe." The blonde dwarf said seductively.  **(see what I did there? {the almighty johnsons})**

Kili stood up, pulling his brother up also. "Let's go find somewhere private."

"Wait. Thorin said you can't leave." Gloin, who was assigned to watch the two brothers, spoke up.

"But we made up!" Kili whined.

"He told me that you two must stay where you are until he gets back." Gloin stated, crossing his arms.

Fili grinned devilishly. "Alright then." He quickly spun his brother around to face him, and lifted him up. Kili grinned and wrapped his legs around the golden dwarf, capturing his lips in a passionate, hot kiss. Fili began to strip the archer of his shirt, but was stopped by Gloin groaning.

"Not here, lads!" He fussed. "I suppose Thorin would understand if you went a little ways to continue your... activity." Gloin coughed uncomfortably.

The two brothers laughed. Fili swung Kili up, carrying him bridal style into the forest, kissing all the while.

* * *

Thorin tramped into the encampment carrying a doe across his shoulders. He paused when he noticed his nephews' absence. "Gloin! Did I not tell you to watch Fili and Kili to make sure they didn't run off!? Where are they?" 

Gloin looked down awkwardly as loud moans rose out into the night. Thorin's eyes widened as he realized where his sister sons were.

"Oh for Mahal's sake!"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Any kudos or comments are appreciated!


End file.
